


I'm Not The One

by SoldierOfMyShadowyMind



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Memories, Reunion, Romance, Tragedy, crying in the rain, no warnings to avoid spoilers, saying goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 03:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4044766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind/pseuds/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Edward didn't die in the hospital when he tried to kill himself? After four years he comes to Downton to meet Thomas again. Jimmy is not very pleased to see his friend caring so much about the visitor... Set post s3 CS. One-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not The One

**Author's Note:**

> This is a terribly soppy, tragic one-shot but you might have it anyway. Enjoy!
> 
> (I wrote this a couple of years ago so the language might not be the brightest but I haven't had the time nor the power to review and rewrite it so please be kind.)

Thomas dragged himself out of bed. He should have become accustomed to getting up early actually, but today it was very hard for him for some incomprehensible reason. He stepped towards the mirror and tried to dislodge the tiredness from his face with some cold water. For a few seconds he stood motionless, the drops of water running down his cheeks to his chin and dripping in the half filled bowl. Finally Thomas dragged himself out of his trance and dried his face with a towel. While he was dressing up he went to the window and looked outside. The day looked set to become quite nice. The birds were chirping in the trees, the sun was shining and the air was invitingly warm. A light breeze waved through the open window into the room and messed up Thomas’ hair. Thomas sighed.

 

Four years had passed and nonetheless he always had to think about him. Every time spring was near, the name of this fateful month reminded him of the terrible happenings which kept haunting him in his dreams till today.

 

Why? Thomas still didn’t understand it. He really wanted to understand it but whatever way he looked at it he couldn’t find a plausible explanation for Edward’s action.

 

_It was his decision. You couldn’t have made him change his mind._

He told himself this every time. But still…

 

_I could have saved him! If only I had been there a few minutes earlier!_

_It’s all your fault._

Thomas blinked away the tears that suddenly prickled in his eyes and closed the window.

 

_That leads to nothing. It happened. You can’t change it. That’s just how it is._

Thomas shuffled towards the door. But suddenly the chest of drawers caught his eye and he stopped. He pulled out one of the drawers. There it was. The little inconspicuous box which contained all his keepsakes, all that was important to him. His secrets. He took it out and opened it. Edward’s photo lay on top. He took it in his hands and looked at it for a while. It was taken in the courtyard of the Downton hospital and showed Edward sitting on a bench, hands clasped tightly around the cane which helped him walking. His blind eyes didn’t look into the camera but to the side; at something Thomas couldn’t see.

 

_He looks so sad and lost._

_If only I could have saved him…If only I could have been there for him._

Thomas put the photograph back into the box and hid it in the corner of the drawer. He adjusted his livery and went downstairs.

 

When he entered the servants' hall the others were already having breakfast. Without any word of greeting he sat down on the free chair next to Jimmy. He took a sip of his tea, but he couldn’t eat anything. With empty eyes he stared at the lonely toast on his plate.

Jimmy seemed to notice his downcast mood.

“You alright?” he whispered.

Thomas looked up, startled. He had been totally lost in thought.

“Yes…yes, of course…” His voice trailed off.

Through the corner of his eye Thomas could see Jimmy giving him a worried look. He addressed himself back to his tea.

 

Today there wasn’t much work which had to be done. It was a normal day, without any guest coming or other special activities. So, in a quiet moment, Thomas sneaked unseen into the courtyard. It was nice being outside. The warm morning sun caressed his skin. Thomas fumbled for his package of cigarettes in the pocket of his uniform, finally finding it and pulling out one of the thin intoxicating sticks. He lighted it and took a deep, satisfied drag. He sent the smoke up into the warm spring air. His thoughts drifted away.

 

_You can’t bring Edward back. He’s gone and he won’t return._

This thought tortured him. He grimaced as the painful memories overwhelmed him.

 

_But now you have Jimmy._

Jimmy. They were friends, and after all that had happened Thomas was unimaginably grateful for that. He took another drag. He felt his body relaxing, the stress slowly falling off him. Smoking always calmed him down. It was kind of a panacea to him.

 

_If only I had had a panacea back then…_

Thomas tried to shake off the dark thoughts that stood in such a sharp contrast to the beautiful weather. But he wasn’t able to ban them for long. Finally he threw the butt on the ground and stubbed it out. It would be better if he got back inside and looked for something to work on, so that he hadn’t too much time to think.

 

Thomas was on his way upstairs when Jimmy ran into him.

“Watch your…” Thomas began angrily but was cut short by Jimmy.

“There you are!” he gasped breathlessly. “I’ve been looking for you! There’s someone at the door for you!”

Thomas eyed him doubtfully. “For me? Since when do I get visits…?”

Jimmy shrugged and looked after him when Thomas shoved past him and ascended the last steps. He entered the hall and went towards the door. But half way to the main entrance he suddenly jerked to a stop when he saw who was waiting for him.

 

_This can’t be true. That’s impossible…_

He made another few unsure steps towards the wooden door. A young dark-haired man, dressed in a simple brown suit with a cane in one hand stood in front of him. Thomas stopped unsure of what to say.

“Edward?” he eventually asked quietly.

The young man looked up. His blue eyes were somewhat milky. He smiled. “Thomas.”

“But how…how can this be? I thought you were…” Thomas broke off. He wasn’t able to finish the sentence.

“Dead? Yes, the doctors assumed that, too at first. Me too, by the way. The smile widened. “What about a little walk? Then I can tell you everything. Unless you…”

“No, no, I’m not very busy today anyway.” Thomas turned around and saw Jimmy standing behind him. He tried to sound as normal as possible when he called, “Jimmy, would you tell Mr Carson that I show our guest round in the gardens?”

Jimmy came up to him. “Who’s that?” he asked under his breath.

“No one.” That was all Thomas said. He turned around and left a confused Jimmy standing in the hall.

 

* * *

 

“What are you doing here? How did you know that you would find me here? And above all, why are you…”

Edward interjected, laughing, and raised the free hand. The other held the cane.

“Hold on! Hold on! Not everything at once!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just…I didn’t expect that I would ever see you again.” Thomas lowered his head.

“Nor did I, honestly” Edward replied.

They walked across the estate. Thomas realised how much steadier Edward was.

 

_Of course, after four years of training._

“But do you know what I find nice?”

Thomas looked at him.

“That we dropped all this formal stuff.”

Thomas stopped abruptly. Due to all the joy and the confusion about their reunion he totally forgot to call Edward properly.

“Oh, I’m…” he began.

“No, Thomas, please” Edward interrupted him. “It’s much better this way. I wished that to happen earlier, back then.”

“All you had to do was ask” Thomas muttered under his breath.

“Yes, probably.”

“But now you have to tell me everything that happened in the past four years.” Thomas shot him a curious look.

Edward took a deep breath. “Where shall I begin…” He was silent for a moment before he continued. “I’m not sure anymore what exactly made me want to take my life. I was furious about myself and about this whole absurd and pointless war and I didn’t know how to cope with being blind. Not to be able to see anymore was a very hard and bitter experience for me. I was so glad you were there back then and that you tried to encourage me to move on. And I’m still today.”

“But I failed” Thomas mumbled, his voice expressing his downcast feelings.

“But you were the only person I could entrust myself to. You can’t imagine how grateful I am to have met you.” Edward stopped. He must have felt Thomas’ despondency. “Don’t blame yourself, Thomas, please. It’s not your fault. I’ve made this decision all on my own.” He stepped up to him and Thomas felt Edwards hand gently touching his arm.

“Nevertheless I just can’t get rid of the feeling that I could have saved you if only I had been there a few minutes earlier” Thomas said in a hushed tone.

“But now I’m here” Edward tried to comfort him.

Thomas raised his head and looked at him. Once again he wished Edward could see him.

“Yes.” Thomas nodded. Then he added, “Where have they taken you after…well, you know?”

He still wasn’t able to put this terrible experience into words. It was just too cruel for that.

“First they wanted to take me to some military cemetery, of course. But then one of them must have noticed that there was still a little spark of life in me” Edward told him. “Thereupon they tried everything to keep me alive. I don’t really know where they took me. I only remember waking up one day in a hospital without you by my side. Bit by bit my memory came back. From there I returned to Oxford. I don’t have much to do with my family anymore since then.”

“Whatever happened to Jack?” Thomas asked.

Edward remained silent for a while. The question seemed to be rather awkward for him. Just as Thomas wanted to leave the subject, he said, “After the war was over he inherited everything. My parents either considered me as not capable or not worthy enough to run the estate.”

Thomas didn’t know what to say. So he just remained quiet waiting for Edward to continue. When he refused to he finally whispered, “You’re worth more than any of them. And you know that.”

Edward said nothing. His blind eyes on the ground he just walked on.

Eventually he broke the awkward silence which had begun to settle over them. “I don’t know anymore how I survived the first weeks in Oxford. The town suddenly seemed to be so huge and so strange and foreign. Everything was so…different. My life was a complete mess. But finally I found someone who helped me to get by and start over.”

Thomas involuntarily flinched at his words.

 

_He found someone? What can that mean…?_

But his thoughts were interrupted by Edward’s voice when he continued.

 

“Of course it wasn’t like before but it was better than nothing. After I accustomed myself to the new conditions a bit many things were easier for me. Then I started to find out where you are.” Edward turned towards him and smiled shyly. It still was strange for Thomas to see him next to him, knowing that he was alive and that this wasn’t just a beautiful dream.

 

_And even if, it’s the most wonderful dream I ever had._

Thomas just looked at him.

 

_It’s so good to know that he’s here, that he’s alive. I never imagined seeing him again one day…_

Thomas’ feelings towards the young Lieutenant weren’t any less strong than four years before. Even though he had met Jimmy in the meantime.

 

_Jimmy will never feel the same as you, but what if Edward…_

_‘But finally I found someone…’_

Thomas shook off the thought. No. He had to enjoy every moment Edward was here. Who knew when they would meet again…

 

“I remembered that you told me that you worked here before the war” Edward went on. “I thought that it would be worth a try and looked for some information. And now…well, here we are” he ended.

Side by side they walked across the compound of the estate in full silence. Thomas thought about Edward’s words. He still couldn’t believe that he had him back.

“You’re so quiet. What’s the matter?” Edward asked after a moment with a hint of worry in his voice.

“I just can’t believe you’re really here. That you’re…alive.” Thomas felt a certain discomfort at these words.

“Me too, honestly. But I’m really glad about it.”

A short silence settled between the two of them.

“Why didn’t you come earlier?” Thomas finally asked.

“I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.”

“Oh.” Thomas’ voice was but a whisper.

“I mean, I know that I hurt you back then and I wasn’t sure if I could ever meet you again, talk to you again after all that happened.” Edward’s voice was serious now, almost sad.

“But…” Thomas wanted to say something, but didn’t know what.

 

_It’s not his fault! Besides, how could I ever blame him? I am the one who has to apologize. I didn’t succeed to help him back then. I could hardly have been a worse friend._

_And nonetheless he said he is glad to have met me…_

Thomas shook his head to get rid of the thought. The day had already confused him quite enough. When he looked up he saw that they were already nearing the abbey.

 

As if he could read minds Edward suddenly said, “I have to go soon. My train departs at two.”

“So soon?” Thomas sounded disappointed. “How will you get to the station? Shall I…?”

“I’m being fetched” Edward told him.

“I see.”

They reached the forecourt of the abbey and in fact an automobile was already waiting.

“Your driver’s here” Thomas informed his friend.

He accompanied Edward to the car.

“It was wonderful seeing you again, Thomas” Edward said for goodbye.

“Yes, I feel the same.”

Thomas couldn’t resist asking him. “When will I see you again?”

Edward smiled as he heard the sadness in Thomas’ voice. He reached for his hand and squeezed it lightly. “Tomorrow, if you want.”

“Really?” Thomas immediately sounded less depressed.

“If I get the permission.”

“But you don’t need a permission! You’re always welcome! And I’ll manage the rest.” Thomas looked at him. The smile on Edward’s lips grew wider.

“Until tomorrow, then.”

“Yes, until tomorrow.” Thomas helped his friend to get into the car. “I’m so happy that…you’re alive§ he whispered without letting go of Edwards’s hand.

“And I’m happy that I finally found the courage to visit you.” Edward’s blind eyes searched for Thomas, but they didn’t find him. For a moment they remained in this position but then the chauffeur started the engine and Thomas knew that it was time.

“Goodbye, Edward.” Thomas released his hand and the car drove on.

He watched it until it disappeared behind the gates which lead upon the way to the abbey. He stood outside for another couple of minutes, still disbelieving about what had just happened.

 

_Edward’s alive._

It was so incomprehensible that it was hard for Thomas to really believe it. Involuntarily he had to think of today’s morning. How he stood there at the window thinking about his old friend.

 

_And now he’s here._

Thomas sighed. A little shy smile stole itself onto his lips. Eventually he turned around and went back inside.

 

* * *

 

“Who was that?” Jimmy wanted to know.

“Just an old friend. We got to know each other during the war.”

“You never told me about him.”

“We hadn’t seen each other for a long time” Thomas evaded lamely. He didn’t want to talk with Jimmy about Edward. It was definitely not the right moment.

“But…” Jimmy began but Thomas cut him off.

“Listen, Jimmy, I don’t think this is important now. We all still have work to do, haven’t we?” And with that Thomas shoved past him.

Jimmy looked after him, slightly confused.

 

_Why does he refuse to talk about him? Who is that young man?_

_They seemed to be quite familiar…_

Jimmy couldn’t make head nor tails out of it.

 

_He’ll tell you eventually._

* * *

 

This night Thomas couldn’t sleep a wink. He had to think about Edward all the time. Tomorrow he would see him again. He could barely wait for the day to break. The thoughts kept racing through his mind. Edward’s words, all he had said. Could it be possible that he felt something for Thomas? That there was more? Thomas hardly dared to think this wonderful thought to an end.

 

_If it were true…_

But this would be too much of a good thing. Edward actually being here – being _alive_ – was godsend. Four long years Thomas hadn’t heard anything from him; he had lived with the thought that his friend was dead and now he suddenly showed up here.

 

_It’s exactly what I always wished._

And he had to be content with that. If it was true and Edward really felt more than just friendship he would tell him some day.

 

_Don’t rush it, Thomas._

He sighed. He tried to lead his thoughts to something else but it was very hard for him not to think about Edward for even a single second.

 

Finally it dawned and the first sunrays casted its light across the ceiling. Thomas got up very early. He couldn’t sleep anymore so what was the point in staying in bed?

A few sunrays sneaked through the curtains into the room. Thomas gently pushed the curtains asideand opened the window. The air was still cool but the morning sun felt warm on his bare skin. He took a deep breath. Bird’s twittering filled the air and a light breeze made goosebumps rise up his arms.

 

_It’s going to be a nice day._

Thomas felt his lips curling up into a smile. He would see Edward again. Today. The smile grew wider. He felt good. All the worries and sadness of the past days were washed away. With an overwhelming feeling of anticipation Thomas closed the window and began dressing. He buttoned up his livery and went to the door. When he stepped out of his room he almost bumped into Jimmy.

“Jimmy!”

“Morning, Thomas.”

“Have you lost something or why are you so glued to my door?” he asked mockingly.

“I…err…only wanted to see if you’re ready so that we can go downstairs together…if you like…”

Thomas shot him a suspicious glare. He didn’t like the undertone in Jimmy’s voice…

“Well, you see, I was just on my way. Come on.” Thomas closed the door behind him and walked down the corridor. Jimmy trotted next to him, hands stuck in his pockets.

 

_What’s the matter with him today? He’s not that quiet usually…_

“Everything all right with you?” Thomas finally asked.

“Hm?” Jimmy looked up. “Of course. Why shouldn’t it?”

But his eyes told something else.

 

_He looks tired. And this expression…_

Thomas could hardly describe it. A strange feeling settled like a heavy stone in his stomach. But before he could muse about it any longer Jimmy’s voice interrupted his train of thought.

 

“You didn’t tell me who this man was yesterday.”

Thomas shot him a surprised sideways look.

“An old friend I got to know during the war. I told you already.”

“I mean more than just that.”

“And why should that be your business?”

“Because I’m your friend? Your best friend, to be precise.” Jimmy sounded almost hurt.

Thomas sighed slightly annoyed. “His name’s Edward Courtenay if you need to know. But I don’t see what difference that makes.”

“It does” came the muffled reply. “And you’re friends?”

Thomas eyed him suspiciously. “Yes.”

“Ah.”

An uneasy silence settled between them.

Finally Thomas couldn’t hold the question back any longer. “What’s the matter with you, Jimmy?”

“Nothing!” Jimmy protested.

“Doesn’t look like nothing.”

They had reached the end of the staircase.

“But _is_ nothing” Jimmy mumbled. And with that he shoved past Thomas and hurried straight to the servant’s hall.

Thomas remained there looking after him, a feeling of worry beginning to rise inside of him.

 

_He behaves quite strange…_

Suddenly a thought crossed his mind.

 

_Is it because of Edward?_

_But that doesn’t make sense._

_Huh…_

Eventually Thomas followed his friend into the servant’s hall and sat down at the breakfast table. His mood saddened. The carelessness he felt just minutes ago had faded away.

 

* * *

 

“Edward!”

“Hello, Thomas.”

Thomas helped his friend out of the car. He felt his heart skipping a beat when he touched Edward’s hand.

“Fancy a walk?” Thomas asked joyfully.

Edward smiled. “Of course.”

Suddenly they heard someone clear his throat behind them. Thomas turned around.

“Jimmy! What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to meet him” Jimmy replied with a nod at Edward. His voice was uncommonly cold.

When Thomas noticed the confused furrows on Edward’s forehead, he quickly explained, “Edward, this is Jimmy. Jimmy, Edward.”

“Hello” Edward greeted in a friendly tone.

“Hello.” Jimmy sounded much less pleased. But then he seemed to notice something. Confused and shocked at the same time he turned to Thomas.

“Is he…” he whispered but before Thomas could answer, Edward said,

“I’m sorry if I frightened you. That’s an old war souvenir.” He raised his hand to his eyes.

Involuntarily Thomas’ eyes wandered to his left, gloved hand. He wasn’t proud of his own ‘souvenir’.

“Oh” Jimmy voiced. “I didn’t know that. I didn’t want to…”

“Don’t mind. I have learnt to cope with that.” A short silence before Edward added, “And you are…”

“First footman. And Thomas’ best friend” Jimmy blurted out.

“Well, he can count himself lucky!” Edward commented with an unreadable smirk.

In order to break the awkward silence which seemed to come up once more Thomas said hastily, “I think it’s better if we go now. I'll see you later, Jimmy.”

He threw his friend another short glance before he walked away with Edward by his side.

 

Jimmy looked after them for a few moments, a hard, almost relentless expression in his eyes.

 

* * *

 

“What was that? Why did he have to show up now?” Thomas murmured angrily more to himself.

“What do you mean?” Edward asked.

“I have to apologise for Jimmy’s behaviour. He’s not always like that. I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He was quite strange already this morning.”

“Don’t worry about that. He seems to be quite nice.”

“He is. I like him very much, but sometimes he’s a little bit odd. I really don’t know what he has against you.”

“Why should he have anything against me?” The expression on Edward’s face reflected honest curiosity.

For a moment Thomas just looked at him.

“I don’t know…” he mumbled. “But…today he reacted very strange when we spoke about you.”

“You spoke about me?”

“Yes, he asked me about you. Who you are, where do we know each other from.”

“What do you mean with ‘strange’?”

“I don’t know. He was so…cold. As if he couldn’t stand you. But he doesn’t even know you!”

“Thomas.” Edward stopped and placed his hand on his arm. “It’s surely nothing to worry about. He just a bit sceptical when suddenly someone comes out of nowhere and his best friend only spends time with this someone. That’s normal. I would react this way, too.”  
“But I explained who…” Thomas sounded almost desperate.

“Thomas. It will all turn out right. Sooner or later. No need to worry.”

Thomas tried to smile. “If you say that.”  
“I do. And now let’s not talk about that anymore. The day’s much too beautiful to be so downcast!”

The smile widened just a bit. “You’re right. Let’s walk on.”

 

* * *

 

They were together the whole afternoon. Side by side they walked across the estate. They talked about this and that; the years after the war, how life has been to them since. Thomas didn’t tell him about the incident with Jimmy. He wanted to, but he didn’t dare to do it. He didn’t know how Edward would react if he told him that he…who he _really_ was.

When they passed a bench Edward suddenly said, “Let us sit down for a while.”

Thomas sat down next to him. They were _very close._ He felt the touch of Edward’s leg next to his own very clearly.

For a while they sat in full silence before Edward began to talk. His voice was quiet and sounded absent as if he was somewhere else with his thoughts. His blind eyes were looking into the distance.

“I have been thinking, Thomas. I had plenty of time for that.”

“About what?” Thomas asked not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“About your words. About what you said. In the hospital. When we first met.”

“What do you mean?”

“You told me you were different. I think I now know what you meant.” Edward’s voice was quiet but Thomas heart was pounding painfully fast. He didn’t dare to look at him.

Edward interpreted his silence as a request to go on.

“First I didn’t understand it but then, when we were separated, I finally realised what you wanted to tell me. When it was too late” he added sadly.

Thomas still didn’t say anything. His throat was cord up.

“I wish I had recognised it earlier, maybe I would have acted differently.” Edward sighed. “I wondered why you cared so much about me. I didn’t understand what was so special about me in contrast to all the others. First I thought it was just pity and I was ashamed about that. I didn’t want to be an object of pity. Too late I realised what it really meant.”

Eventually Thomas managed to open his mouth but his voice was but a wretched croaking.

“Edward, I…”

“No.” Edward looked at him. His blind eyes were sad. “You don’t need to apologise, Thomas. Because…When you weren’t there anymore, I…I suddenly realised what you were for me. How much you meant to me.”

 

_What’s that? Does he want to tell me that…_

Thomas felt hope. Hope for something of that he had thought that it had ended four years ago. Hope for something of that he had believed that it was impossible.

“You mean…” he began, his voice trembling. “You’re saying that you…feel like I do?”

Edward fell silent. His eyes were directed at the ground. Thomas didn’t know what to say. This sudden confession had caught him totally off-guard. He hardly knew how to feel about it. The hope increased. But there was something in Edward’s voice that still made him doubt.

Eventually Edward spoke. “I really like you, Thomas. Very much. But I’m not who you’re looking for. I can’t be there for you.”

“What does that mean?” Thomas asked uncomprehendingly and at the same time shocked about this old friend’s words.

“Don’t misunderstand me. It’s not like I don’t have feelings for you. I feel very much towards you but I don’t deserve you.”

“Why do you say that?!” Thomas felt the hope and with it his heart shatter into thousands of pieces.

 

_No. No! I won’t let you go! Not when I eventually have you back! Not when you just said that you feel more than just friendship!_

“Edward! Say something! Talk to me! Please, talk to me!” Thomas sounded desperate. He reached out a hand and touched Edward cautiously. Edward placed his hand on Thomas’ and squeezed it gently. Thomas immediately remembered this day in the hospital. This conversation when he confessed Edward that he was different. _Different_. The word sliced like a sharp blade through his shattered heart.

“He loves you. He doesn’t tell you because he’s afraid you might not return it, but he loves you.”

Thomas stared at him. What did Edward say?

“What…what are you talking about? Who do you mean?”

“Jimmy. He likes you more than he wants to admit.”

“But…but that doesn’t count now! I…I love you, Edward! You’re the only one for me!”

He said it. He really said it. But Edward definitively destroyed the tiniest bit of hope that had remained until now.

“No. I can’t be there for you. He can.”

“Of course you can! We’ll manage! We’ve been through so many things, we can manage now!”

“I’m sorry, Thomas, but I can’t. Not when I know how much he loves you.”

“But…”

“He’s the one for you. I know it.”

“But…”

“Even if I can’t see, I recognise how much he cares about you.”

“But you said…”  
“Yes. And I mean it. Every word of it. And I can’t deny that I like you very much. It may be that I love you but I know that it’s wrong. It’s not like it should be. I don’t deserve you after all I did to you.”

“Look at me. Am I better than you in any way? You don’t know what things I did in my bloody life.”

“That doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t be. We shouldn’t be.”

Thomas grabbed his hand. In his desperation he had started to cry. The tears flowed down his cheeks and stained his face but Thomas barely noticed it.

“Please, Edward. Please don’t do that!”

“I’m sorry Thomas. I shouldn’t have come here.”

Thomas looked at him through a veil of tears.

“Please.” His voice was but a whisper.

Edward cupped Thomas’s face with one hand. “Don’t be sad. I can’t stand it when you cry.”

For a while they sat in full silence but it was a sad silence.

Finally Edward stood up.

“Let us go back.” His voice was quiet but he couldn’t hide the depressiveness.

Thomas followed his friend. On their way back to the abbey none of them said a word. When they reached the edge of the little wood which led them on the open way, Thomas grabbed Edward’s hand and stopped him.

“Wait.”

Edward turned around.

Thomas looked at him, his eyes stern but blue. “I don’t know when I’ll see you again. But I want to have enough time to say goodbye.” He made a short pause. “I was so happy when I found out that you’re alive and to see you again was just wonderful. When you said that you…feel something for me I hoped that maybe there’s a chance that we might be together. But I’ll accept it when you don’t want it even if I don’t understand and most likely won’t ever understand. What I know is that I love you no matter what you’re saying.”

“It’s not like I wouldn’t want it, it’s just…I know you like him.”

“That may be but…”

“You’re meant to be together, believe me. I know it. He can give you all that I can’t.”

“Stop that Edward, please!” Thomas interrupted him. “You’re as worth as any of them. And much more.” Thomas sighed. Why did the world always had to be so unfair?

Then he stepped forward and hugged Edward gently. He felt how Edward laid his arms around him.

“I hope I’ll see you again soon” Thomas whispered.

“Me too.” Edward sounded sad, almost hopeless.

Thomas gave little thoughts to it. Their whole conversation had been like that.

They detached from each other. Thomas looked at him. There was this expression in Edward’s eyes he had learnt to interpret in the hospital.

Together they went back towards the abbey where the automobile was already waiting for Edward. It dawned when they said goodbye. The setting sun spread its fading light across the estate.

“Goodbye, Edward.”

“Goodbye, Thomas.”

Thomas let go of Edward’s hand when the chauffeur started the engine and the car drove away. Thomas watched it until it disappeared into the approaching night.

 

* * *

 

Jimmy noticed Thomas downcast attitude this evening. But he didn’t dare to ask him what the matter was.

Thomas seemed to be absent. During dinner he just sat at the table, Edward’s words floating through his mind.

 

_He’s the one for you. I know it._

_He loves you. He likes you more than he wants to admit._

_He loves you._

_He loves you._

What if Edward was right? But how could he know this? He hardly knew Jimmy. Thomas wasn’t able to understand it.

 

It started to rain.

 

* * *

 

Edward sat in the car and heard the raindrops pattering against the window. It was as if the sky was crying. He had to think about Thomas the whole time.

 

_It was a mistake to visit him. I shouldn’t have come here. I only made things worse._

Suddenly he heard the wheels of the car squeal and felt a jerk going through the car. What was happening? Shocked, his hands searched for a hold.

The last thing he heard was a loud crash; then everything was silent.

 

_Goodbye, Thomas._

* * *

 

Late this evening, most of the staff had already retired to bed; Mrs Hughes suddenly came over to him.

“Mr Barrow? May I have a word?”

“Of course, Mrs Hughes. What’s the matter?” Thomas asked, surprised.

“Come…”

Mrs Hughes led him to her office and closed the door behind him.

“Listen, this is about your friend who was here the past two days.”

Thomas felt a string lying around his chest which tightened slowly with every word and choked him. He desperately tried to put on a calm face.

“Edward Courtenay? What’s the matter with him?”

“I have to tell you that…” Mrs Hughes broke off. “Mr Courtenay was killed in a car accident tonight.” Her voice became lower till it trailed off.

“What?!” Thomas couldn’t believe his ears. What did he just hear? That couldn’t be true!

“That has to be a misunderstanding, it…”

“I’m terribly sorry, Thomas.” Mrs Hughes reached out a hand to calm him down but Thomas shoved past her and rushed out of the room.

He ran down the corridor and only stopped when he stood outside in the courtyard in the pouring rain. The raindrops pattered down on him; each of them a fragment of his memories of his time with Edward. Slowly but surely everything broke. Everything around him caved in and shattered into thousands of pieces. His emotions, his whole life lay before his feet and the raindrops kept beating it heartlessly not giving the rest of his existence a tiny chance to survive.

Thomas dragged himself to one of the stony walls and slid down against it. He sat there; his knees pulled to his chest and tried to understand it.

 

_Why Edward? Now I eventually had you back and then you leave me alone again!_

_Why?!_

He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. Hot and relentlessly they ran down his cheeks and joined the raindrops on the puddle-stained ground of the courtyard.

His breath went fast interrupted again and again by half-choked sobs. He felt horrible. And again he couldn’t get rid of the thought that it was his fault.

 

_I shouldn’t have let him go!_

Then another thought crossed his puzzled mind.

 

_He knew he was going to die. That’s why he said all this._

But no! No, Thomas didn’t want to think of this.

 

_That’s impossible! That can’t be true!_

Another sob escaped from his chest. He didn’t want to accept that he had finally lost Edward forever.

 

_Now he will never return. There are no such miracles in life._

Thomas stared on his hands. His glove was soaked wet and cold from the rain. Feeling a sudden rage he ripped it off and threw it into one of the puddles where it landed with a pathetic splash. The ugly scar on the back of his left hand stared at him. Thomas stared back, his face void of expression, until he suddenly heard a noise which rose from the pouring of the rain.

Alarmed he raised his head.

Jimmy slipped out into the darkness. He quietly squeezed the door shut before he came up to Thomas. He had noticed how Mrs Hughes had talked to him and how he'd run outside after that. First he didn’t dare follow him but then he couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Hey” he said in a tender tone squatting down in front of Thomas. “What happened?” He looked at him in worry.

Thomas lowered his eyes. He said nothing.

Jimmy gently touched his arm and when Thomas’ head shot up at the sudden touch Jimmy could see the pain in his eyes.

“Thomas…”

“…Edward…is…dead…” Thomas mumbled.

“What?! Oh my God I…I’m sorry…” Jimmy didn’t know what to say.

For a while they both fell silent. Thomas felt Jimmy’s hand lying on his arm.

 

_What if Edward was right…?_

“You liked him very much, don’t you?” Jimmy asked all of a sudden.

Thomas turned his gaze away. He didn’t want Jimmy seeing him crying. “Yes.”

“Listen, I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did. He was quite likeable after all. I think I…I was just…jealous.” The last sentence drowned in the roaring of the rain.

Thomas froze. He looked up. When their eyes met Jimmy turned away quickly.

“About what did you talk?” he asked cautiously after a moment of silence in which the noise of the rain was all that was audible.

Thomas remained silent. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to tell Jimmy the truth or not. But then…It was all destroyed anyway.

 

_What harm would be done?_

“He said that he wouldn’t deserve me. He said he isn’t the one I am looking for.”

It surely sounded all weird what he was saying but he didn’t mind. Now it was all meaningless. Nothing mattered anymore. So he took a deep breath to suppress another sob and continued, “He said he noticed that…that you care about me…that I mean something to you.” His voice trailed off and got lost in the darkness of the stormy night.

“He was right.”

Thomas raised his head. What did Jimmy say?

“He was right. You mean a lot to me, Thomas. And I feelguilty about treating Edward so rudely. But I was just jealous.”

Thomas looked at him with an unbelieving expression on his face.

“You were…”

Eventually Jimmy turned to look at him. His eyes were sad and stern.

“I saw the expression in your eyes when you looked at him and I…” Jimmy cut himself off.

His gaze wandered to the puddle where Thomas’ glove laid.

“I…started to feel… _more_ lately and…and I…”

When he looked up again the expression in his eyes had changed. It was more…determined. A wet, golden strand of hair tangled onto Jimmy’s forehead. His eyes fixed on Thomas’s he slowly leaned closer. Their faces were only inches apart. Jimmy closed his eyes and filled the remaining space that separated them. When their lips met the fragments of Thomas’ shattered existence seemed to assemble again. The kiss was tender and sweet but there was a certain desperation and pain in it.

When Thomas opened his eyes he saw Jimmy smiling at him. He was still so close…

“Edward was right then” Thomas mumbled still hardly believing what just happened.

Jimmy nodded. “Yes.” He couldn’t manage anything more.

A little, shy smile formed on Thomas’ lips but it reached his eyes.

“Come on, let’s get inside. I don’t quite fancy to get more wet.” Jimmy held out his hand to Thomas and Thomas took it. Before he passed the threshold of the door Thomas turned around once more and looked up into the sky. The grey clouds had moved a little and released a small piece of the black night sky. Thomas could see a few stars shining down on him. They seemed to smile at him.

 

_I hope we’ll meet again one day. I will never forget you._

_Goodbye, Edward._

Then he turned and followed Jimmy back into the house.


End file.
